Lost in A Holidaze

Somewhere around the middle of December, shortly after my last post, I fell into the time-warp
of prepping for and participating in the ritual that is Christmas. All chocolate and sugar. Fun and disappointed expectations. Actually not that different than when I was working for myself in the 90's. More time to deal with it all. And the week between Christmas and New Years has always been an odd in-between time. But I'm starting to emerge. Nothing like driving in LA traffic to snap you out of a daze.

Pop Psych Aerobics

I’m good enough. I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me. Oh, sorry. Just got back from an IntenSati workout and I’m channeling Stuart Smalley.

Who knew there was anything left at the confluence of calisthenics, yoga and pop-psych therapy? Enter: IntenSati. They started offering it at the Pilates studio I frequent and being in need of some fat-burning, I gave it a try. It’s a good workout, but not sure about the affirmations. Good, I guess. Although I didn’t get this far in life without believing in myself, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. But I put the cynic in me aside and went with it. “I’m strong. I’m confident. I want to live a life I love. I want it. I want it. I really, really want it.” (I’m not kidding with this.)

As I’m mouthing the words I’m thinking I’m grateful I can go home and have a  middle-aged cocktail (depending on the time of day, either a glass of wine or cup of coffee, with a couple ibuprofen) and soak in the tub. Oh okay. I AM grateful to still be able to do this stuff. And have the time to do it. Pretty much kicked my butt though – which I realized I need if I’m going to really get into shape - build stamina - for my Himalayan trek. So while I can’t get Stuart’s image out of my head, I’m going to keep this up for a while. “I want it, I want it …… “

Mom Rides Shotgun

I have an aunt in the LA area who decorates every inch of the interior of her house for Christmas. Or so my mom says. I haven’t seen it (although I’m perversely curious). My aunt was extolling her delight to my mom and they mused about the possibility of my mom coming over after Christmas for a few days. My mom mentioned it to me.  And did I have any interest in going? Hmmmmm. Hadn’t I just vowed to moderate my fun-travel quotient? (See Breaking the Fun Barrier post) Yet I’m intrigued by the idea of seeing cousins I haven’t seen in long time and kids of cousins I’ve never seen.  And I realized that breaking the fun barrier over Thanksgiving was more about over-spent. If this trip was going to happen, it would have to be on a bargain-basement budget. Staying with relatives is as cheap as it gets. So far so good.

I checked flights. Way too expensive to buy and too many frequent flyer miles for such a short trip.  I contemplate: what about driving (“It’s only eight hours” I hear myself saying). Uh-oh.  I feel another road trip coming on. I’m always lured by the road. And it is not lost on me how great it is to be able to take little trips with a minimum of planning and on whatever days suit me. I get a “look-at-me (although no one is looking) - aren’t - I - lucky pleasure jolt … which dims memories of the downside of long hours in the car.  Nevertheless, the thought of eight hours of interstate highway driving did seem a bit much. Yuma is a good half-way point and last time I was there (a decade ago - as the gateway to a somewhat ill-fated kayak trip down the lower Colorado) I discovered it had a fab retro downtown. I jump on the net to see what the cheap motel offerings might be and I discover: the Yuma Cabana Motel. They had me at the neon sign.  And completely affordable.  Done. This trip is a go!

We’re not Seth Rogan and Barbara Streisand, so this is going to be closer to Driving Miss Daisy than Guilt Trip. Except my mother will be riding shotgun. All the way to Kristmas Kitsch and LA-LA land.

Belief in Abundance Stares Down Financial Picture

I’ve always had that single-woman-fear-of-becoming-a-bag-lady syndrome (yes, even when I wasn’t single). Although now that I’ve made it this far, I can see that that is pretty unlikely. Nevertheless I still have to cultivate a belief in abundance – especially now that I don’t get a paycheck every two weeks. I pay myself, mostly. Just as I was going to write something about that -  all fear-based and doubting - this happened: my aforementioned foray into computer-fix hell resulted in two weeks of  free internet and thirty percent off six months of internet (a' la Cox Cable), a wireless mouse and  keyboard (typing on it right now. nice figure action) (a' la Dell). But even more manna from abundance land: I’m going to take a little day trip with some girlfriends that includes crossing the border. I get out my usual passport-holding wallet-y thing and notice that there is some cash in one of the pockets. I count out: ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty,  sixty, five, seventy dollars.  Free money. 

I decided to let go of the stare-down and just go with abundance. Might as well. So If you see me shuffling along with a shopping cart full of my possessions sometime in the future, you’ll know how I got there. And please drop a coin in the can.

Right to Remain Silent

As I was falling asleep last night I realized that I had not spoken to anyone all day. Had not uttered a word.

After 10 days excursions/ travel, a social Friday and full Saturday, I was tired. A quiet day at home reading the NY Times in-between mundane tasks and mindless internet surfing was just what I needed apparently.  In the later afternoon I was laying on the couch reading. A feeling of contentment settled on me. Finally rested. Headache gone. Beautiful light and fresh air streaming in. No worries that needed to be attended to. Peace.

All in contrast to today. I have spent two hours in new-computer-doesn't-connect-to-the-internet-Dell-tech-support alternate reality. I’ll spare you the details as most of you have been to that communication-challenged, frustrating, tedious land. I could feel the cortisol levels rising as the supposed fixes became more complex, yet still unproductive. But that hasn't stuck with me, as it would have when I was functioning at a higher stress level. I’m quickly returning to homeostasis.

Yesterday helped. It was right to remain silent. I may try that again. Next time on purpose.

Breaking the Fun Barrier

Remember when I said that the methodology I've been using to discover what comes next is following interests till something sticks? (Of course you do because you are hanging on my every word. In case not, see the Anything Could Happen post.) Another part of the methodology has been saying “yes” to just about everything that comes my way… because you never know what could happen…where it could lead. I think I have now reached the limits of that.

In August, shortly after I retired and was deep into the just-say-yes-to-anything-that-sounds-fun philosophy, I said yes to being tour guide for an east-coast amiga who wanted to make Tucson (and around) her fall vacation. So, I’m just back from about 1300 miles/10 days of in-town and out-of-town excursions. Got to go back to beautiful places I hadn't been in a long time - and do a few new things, including living like a rich person for three days in Sedona Arizona amongst spectacular scenery in a cabin that afforded a close-up view of tree tops from my pillow.

I’m glad I did that. But I didn't really need to do it. I’m feeling kind of over-indulged now (and over-spent) … ready to be more circumspect … hone in on what I really need to be doing to move forward. There will still be plenty of fun, of course. I'm no Puritan.

And just as a reminder of how important simple fun can be -  watch this

What I Miss About Working

Nothing.

Wicked Witch Takes It On...With Dorothy

The Wicked Witch might be a great image for riding along upright in a skirt (see the other Wicked Witch post) but I bet she doesn't know how to change a tire or adjust a derailleur. I figured before I go too far afield, I had best know these things, there being no bike equivalent of AAA. (Entrepreneurial idea anyone? It’s yours.) Luckily, our county government offers bike safety, maintenance and other classes – for free! Call me part of the demographic that Bill O’Rielly thinks just wants “stuff” from the government, but a free bike maintenance class was much appreciated. It was a “for women” class, which made it particularly enjoyable - because? -  for the most part, women are great. Learning new things felt really good – as did being the oldest person in a room full of mostly twenty/thirty somethings and fitting in.  

And I’m taking it on in other ways - projects, fitness, etc. I’m losing that “before and after” retirement perspective. Days flow one to the next. Full of the mundane or unusual or both. Most notably, a sense of curiosity and possibility and spontaneity has returned. As I was struggling to pull this together, this popped up in a friend’s Facebook post: “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no sure for curiosity.” Amen. Thank you Dorothy Parker.

Anything Could Happen

The methodology (if you can even call it that) I’ve been using to discover what comes next is: Web-researching/reading/social media about things that interest me. Getting out there...following a trail...seeing what develops. I’m planning to do this until something gets traction.

So this weekend I went to a number of Tucson Modernism Week events. I used to wear, when I was a waitress, vintage clothing and accessories and I still have a decent collection. My house is late 50’s/early 60’s furniture and décor. This is one of the interests I’m resurrecting.  A highlight of the weekend events was a cool pop-up shop with vendors of beautiful, mostly name-brand, mid-century furniture – all beyond my spending price point. (I’m into affordable knock-offs. From thrift stores, if possible). So to scratch the itch, and as a diversion between events, I drove over for a quick look-see at the close out sale of a retro shop that used to be downtown. 

I was browsing the small stuff. Picked up a baggie with about eight vintage lighters in it. I have a few already and saw a couple in the bag that looked like pretty good additions to the collection. So I let go of the eight bucks (and twenty more, truth be told).

I get home; spill them out, superficially eyeing what I actually got. Out rolled a little rectangular engraved nameplate that had come off of a red leather lighter. See what was on it?

My name. What are the chances of that? Yet, it happened. I’m embracing this. It’s a sign, right? If I get out there ... follow my interests wherever they lead, anything could - something’s gonna - happen. Eventually.

 

Soul Searching

Tonight I’m going to the All Souls Procession. This has been a yearly community-driven event in Tucson for decades and is inspired by the Dia de los Muertos celebrated in Latin America. It celebrates and honors those whom we have lost.  A couple of my friends don't like it – death, skeletons and all. But I understand it differently:  as the possibility of rebirth. I see it as representative of the birth/death/birth cycle that is life – in the big picture and the small; the physical and psychological.

The folk story about Skeleton Woman (Lady Death) raises this important question: what needs to die (an attitude, a belief, a way of being) so something can live? I have returned to this question over the decades whenever I’m feeling discontent, ill-at-ease. It is a question at the root of personal change and transformation – a catalyst for moving forward. For letting go and calling in … and embracing. I’m living this question as I transition from who I was in the world as a person tied to many hours of work and a work identity to a person who is not. A person free to explore what needs to die so something can live. Namely: the authentic me. Skeleton Woman is my date for the evening.

P.S. (a couple months later): A documentary about the All Souls Procession is being made. Here is a piece of film, part of which will be included: http://vimeo.com/56068906