I'm Not Annie Oakley, But...

I went horseback riding today. What a privilege. I have a friend who lives outside Elgin Arizona (about an hour and half southeast of Tucson. 3,000 feet higher and 10 degrees cooler) on her horse property/ranch (aka "paradise") with three horses, two dogs, a cat and some very loud cicadas. We had been talking about doing this ever since we met on a trip to Tanzania two-and-a-half years ago. 

I haven’t been riding in years and I’ve always been a novice (although pretty comfortable and I have managed to stay on at a full gallop not of my choosing). So we decided to try a “trial trail” ride. It was great. 

The first half of the ride was in a flat bottom ravine full of mesquite trees. Then we went up (nothing dramatic) to the (gentle) ridge top for the way back. Gorgeous. Have you ever seen those western paintings or post cards – rolling grasslands dotted with scrub oak, wide-open vistas, 360 degrees of mountain ranges - layering all the way into Mexico, bright  blue sky with huge white clouds? It was like that. Only way better. I was actually there. Stunning. Southeastern Arizona is grasslands and with the above-average rains we’ve had it was green everywhere – not Ireland green, but that soft, well...grass green. Truly lovely.

Susan gave me all kinds of tips (she is a real horse woman and runs outfitter/trips in Copper Canyon in  Mexico  www.ridemexico.com so she’s really good at pointers). There is a lot to pay attention when riding a horse in regards to what you are doing with your body and the reins and the effect on your steed (Arabian/Quarter Horse mix – smart, responsive, heat-tolerant and just the right size – not so small that I feel like a burden and so big that it looks like a ladder is needed to get up there). And you need to pay attention to where you are going. With all that, and the stunning (did I say gorgeous) views, it was really mind-clearing…very in-the-moment.

Susan said I did good. Which is great for me because I kinda have a crush on DC (the horse to which I refer) and I want to do that again. Horseback riding on a week day. Now THAT's my idea of living.  Cowgirl up!

 P.S. I met Susan through my friend Chris, from whom I have learned and experienced much about the natural world. Chris just started a kick-ass blog: Wild Mountain Soundscapes. I’d like to think I inspired her just a teensy bit. Check it out: http://wildmountainsoundscapes.blogspot.com/

Not to Worry

OK. Just in case you were wondering, I’m over my panic attack freak-out brought on by packing way too many work-like tasks together. A couple days of no real thinking and I’m pretty fine. Enjoying doing this and that, puttering, reading, socializing (calls with friends and lunch with my mom) and getting some sleep. Good to know I can bounce back farily quickly with a dose of relax (mentally and physically). Now that I’ve got the backlog cleared out, I’m going to parse work-like things out, doing a bit here and there. I know I’m not recovered. Gotta stay away from the stuff. Also realized that a number of the tasks had to do with money. Always a button-pusher for me, especially now that it is mostly going out, not coming in like it used too.

Hanging out in the middle of “what was” and “what comes next” takes some fortitude…and attitude control. I’m learning. Although I still get confused about the difference between worry and thinking ahead.

Rehab2: Dry Drunk

AA concepts include the dry drunk - someone who has stopped drinking but hasn’t dealt with any of the underlying issues that precipitate additive drinking. They still exhibit the same unproductive attitudes and behaviors of a drinking alcoholic. They aren’t a recovering alcoholic. They are just an ex-drinker.

I feel like a dry worker. An ex-worker. I’m no longer working, but many of the underlying patterns associated with my last years of work are still there. I experienced a tinge of that a week in, and then a couple weeks ago when I was forestalling doing anything work-like during the “doing nothing/rest” phase. (see the Unexpected Emotion; Pacing, Pavlov and Work/Not-Work; and Rehab posts)

But things changed last week. I switched back into work mode to do some tasks that had accumulated and that had to be addressed - some because of deadlines (review and critique a 60 page report, taxes, and insurance stuff) - others because they meant money received or saved (compare options and switch internet/phone/cable provider, navigate the federal information labyrinth regarding retirement benefits payment), and a quasi-medical procedure that limits my exercise a bit, and other miscellanea. Finally got the bulk of it done today.

It felt like a week of work. And I felt the same frustration, anxiety, stress. Add in lots of little changes, ambiguity, and uncertainty and the result is a two-day headache and that queasy feeling, just now receding.

I see that I need another stint of in-house treatment…a loooooong stint, without a backlog hanging over my head to be accomplished, so I can really detox. Truly get it out of my system. Move from being an ex-worker to a recovering worker. Maybe before too long I’ll be a recovered worker.  I wonder what  - and how long - that will take.

Revelations Probably Already Known to Others

I’m developing a whole new relationship to online. Now I understand what people mean when they talk about the “time-sink” of online activity. That seems OK if you have time, which I do. And, like so many things, it’s about balance.

Time online has become part of my day. Something I “do”. I have had time to figure things out (Do you know how to get favorites to display in alpha order? Or set a number of tabs to open up at once when you connect to the net? I do. These are probably examples of revelations already know to others).

I spend more time on Facebook. It’s become an adjunct to life-out-there: life in the mind. Kinda weird and kinda cool. Time will tell how much of which. Before, I kept up with personal email and Facebook in-between everything else or as short breaks from work during the day in my last months of work. But I never really read anything in the links my politically and socially read friends posted. Yah. They are actually my friends. One of my Facebook rules is that just like real life, you have to be circumspect about who your friends are. So only people I know and would have a conversation with in real life are FB friends. Kinda old-school, if that term is even applicable here, but it works for me. It’s a pretty diverse bunch so I keep up with all kinds of things being talked about and going on in Tucson, the country and the world. Art. Politics. Events. Totally silly stuff too, of course. For two of my favorites, see the links below (Ok, so I think anthropomorphizing

animals is funny … sometimes.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.henrilechatnoir.com/

And there is so much content on the web – writings, news, good stories in friend’s blogs, TV shows, instructional  (and entertaining) YouTube snippets, movies (and I don’t mean Netflix, which became a non-friend when I discovered that my local, independently owned, pretty cool video store had new releases many weeks before Netflix and my “saved” list was on perpetual save).

Anyway, I hope you think that reading this blog is a somehow useful or entertaining part of your online time-sink or momentary diversion. And forgive me if these are revelations already known to you. And probably just about the whole even slightly industrialized (or should I say electronified) world.

The Time/Energy/Motivation Quotient

Even though I’ve talked about “having time” - I’m realizing how much it is about having energy.  I did have time for myself before…but not always energy during that time. I was often brain-drained during the week from the multi-tasking, detail-oriented, and just demanding nature of the work. Saturated. Too many synapses firing. (Did I mention that I did conflict resolution/collaboration for environmental issues where federal agencies were involved? Enough said about the “demanding” part). And I was generally tired - worn down - from repetitive, unresolved work-place aspects that didn’t work for me.  

That mental burnt-out created a physical drag. I was tired from keeping up. (And I’m single, no kids. I have NO idea how most others do it. I’m in awe of them - you?). So, I “wasted” a lot of time on weekends recuperating.

I also traveled quite a bit (for work and a couple personal trips a year) and that probably contributed. Almost always running up to a trip or re-grouping after - including a couple days of a little jet lag. Hard to settle, have a routine for any length of time. I probably was a little disconnected a good bit of the time.   

Before, I kept up with priorities: work, travel, friends, family, a little exercise and household stuff like bill paying, grocery shopping and laundry. In the last couple weeks after retiring, when I have had nothing but time,  I reconnected with many friends, slept, read, but got little else done because of  low energy from the need to de-compress and recuperate.

And there is motivation to factor in. Seems as though I could – and still can – muster up the energy when I WANT to do whatever (or need to, because there are deadlines - with consequences -  that make me “want to”.)

I’m sure there is a formula that could conjugate the Time/Energy/Motivation quotient for a given task or event or lifestyle or ... whatever.  It would go something like this:

Before retiring:

Some time + stress/burn-out = low energy - motivation + disconnectedness = the essentials get done and a lot of time is “wasted” recuperating

Shortly after retiring:

A lot of time - energy - motivation =  a lot of reading, resting and socializing

What’s beginning to happen now (three weeks out):

• A lot of time - energy + motivation  =  energy kicks in and some things get done
• Little time (a deadline) = motivation = energy = essential tasks are slowly getting done
• A lot of motivation = energy = things get done no matter how much time there is.

I wish I was good at math so I could get all clever and create a formula that pulls these all together. But suffice it to say that having a balanced, meaningful and happy life is not all about “having time”. And then there is attitude to factor in.

The Legitimacy of Weather as an Excuse: Part 2

I just got in from two hours of yard work - trimmed 20 feet of oleanders (which required three tools, including a saw). Sawed off three branches from a dead tree. And cleaned out debris. It is 88 degrees out with 46% humidity. I’m not sure what this says for weather as an excuse and the primacy of energy. And motivation: brush and bulky pick-up tomorrow and I needed to burn some cals today. I've been thinking about the time/energy continuum. Now I see I need to factor motivation in to that. More on all this another time. Right now I’m in need of a shower and a few hours with the Sunday Times. Who knows, maybe I’ll even get out there again this evening (she says skeptically, yet hopeful).

Post Script 1: I decided that 105 degrees is still a good excuse.

Post Script 2: A Tucson friend said she is amazed I was out there at all. Weather excuse: vindicated and validated!

The Legitimacy of Weather as an Excuse

When I first started thinking about this a few days ago, it was a question. I had just scalded myself with water that was in the hose in my back yard. I’m not kidding. Could have cooked pasta in it. It had been plus/minus of 106 for several days – and almost as hot for weeks before that. And I thought: This is the reason I have not gotten to my priority household to-dos (primarily cutting back the oleander hedge which has been neglected for years) and many other tasks. Because it's hot outside. You’d buy that, right?

Now, several days later and after a couple days of lower temps (like mid-80s) I’m vindicated. I have had more energy and motivation in the last two days than any of the previous couple weeks. Might even get out there and trim the oleanders. Or maybe I just needed a couple weeks of vegging. Whatever, I am starting to recover a new homeostasis.

Morning Ritual

I’ve always made coffee in a ritualistic sort of way, even when I had limited time in the morning to get out. Boil water, grind beans, French press, heat milk. But now the place of this ritual has shifted. Lying in bed after waking up, but not getting up. On the brink of a relapse to a dream or putting feet on the floor, this ritual calls…this is what I will “do” today...at least the first thing. It is the divide between kind of asleep and awake. Between waking up and being up. An actual morning event. To create some momentum. And it has been working these last couple days to get me going ... to some actual tasks that needed to be accomplished.

A Long Way to Go

How I’ll get into shape for my Himalayan trek is on my mind. It kinda nags at me. Getting back to hiking seems the best. How to make that happen? I got a start last week (See Getting “Out There” Again).  But was I motivated enough to get myself out there on a regular basis, especially since that probably means solo hikes.

A few days ago a friend emailed to ask if I wanted to go to Wilcox (about an hour and a half east of Tucson. Ag area) to get some peaches, as we have done in years past. Sure. Then she emails – do I want to go to the Chiricahuas (another hour and a half past Wilcox) and hike to a raspberry patch we know about from camping nearby in Rustlers Park and to check out what it looks like a year post-fire. It’s a bit far to go for a day-hike, but curiosity and the need to get out there motivated.  Of course, I say.

As we're driving up and get to the burn area we see hillsides and patches of the blackest black charred sticks, many burned into modern art sculptures, as well as patches of untouched forest. What I didn’t expect was that, with recent rains, there were two and three feet of bright green understory setting it all off visually. Stunning. Surreal. Beautiful in its own way. And even more unexpected was a riot of color – large patches of vibrant yellow and magenta wildflowers. I bet we saw 30 different flowers as we hiked through waist-high greenery. Some I’ve rarely seen. We also saw quite a bit of bear scat, some with raspberry seeds in it (I still can’t fathom how an animal that large exists on berries and bugs). And then the raspberry patch (no bears). The berries were small but sweeeet. Thunder cracked as we hustled out, but we managed to dodge the rain.

Four and a half round-trip miles of relatively gradual up and then downhill used to be a stroll in the park for me. But I was pooped last night and can still feel it this morning. I can see I have a long way to go before I’m ready for my trip. And that getting there is going to be really good for me.

More on Re-learning to Read…and Write

Before, I read superficially….skating over the tops of sentences. Scanning for the “gist”. Now, I read. each. word. Instead of skimming headlines, I read newspaper articles (and links to them). There is so much to know. Work focuses on a narrower, deeper band of knowledge. Not-work allows time and head-space for knowing more about more. And no longer needing to know about some things - like how to navigate the labyrinth to renew your federal ID or how to write an information collection request (under the Paperwork Reduction Act – which, until recently, required a LOT of paper.)

Same with my handwriting … it had become eligible. Even to me sometimes.  It devolved to a sort of shorthand that collapsed letters together, omitted some, and generally was more pieces than whole words. Now I actually form each of the letters, creating complete words that can be read and understood later. For the most part.

My typing is still lousy. But a slower pace means a more judicious use of spell-check and actually seeing non-words. For the most part. Bare with me on that.

I’m not completely recovered from speed-reeding, writng and toping.