So, is this how it is going to be with us now? Almost six weeks and I don’t call. I don’t write. I can’t go on like this. Disloyal to my first love. Seduced away by bylines. Driven by deadlines. Distracted - by other writing. I didn’t mean to, really. It just happened. I promise to do better if you take me back. I’ve missed you.
Revelations 1: Slipping Into BusyI’ve been writing for 3Story Magazine and I helped an accomplished artist write statements about her work. All this came along when I was starting to feel lazy and it is a gift of learning and fun. It is good. Yet I have been spending more time "out there" with tasks and deadlines, interactions and collaborations – a bit like “work” – a little performance anxiety even. So easy to slip into a kind of busy. Engage in sort-of-work, day-to-day necessities, social and arty events, a little trip for a family wedding and a writers’ retreat and the result is less time "in" - time just being, which is what generates insights and impetus for writing here.
I’m wanting a way to integrate it all, without a divide like there used to be between work and life. And I want to hold dear that empty space so that what matters can rise up. Which means, oddly enough, I need more structure - setting aside time to just be and to write about what’s going on. It’s working so far. Here I am!
Revelations 2: Born AgainEarly on, I was thinking an epiphany might hit, that in due time I would be born again. Like when one finds Jesus. A moment. Something coming over me. Only not Jesus. Me. Born again as me. So there would be a before and an after.
But it’s not been like that, although having a regular writing gig is a shift. It’s more gradual. The unfolding takes time and integrating it all into defining a new life takes time.
And the epiphanettes about life after retirement that struck regularly early on don’t keep coming. There is more space between as life takes on a new rhythm.
Revelations 3: Beyond the Frontage RoadI’ve been learning a bit about writing, most recently in a three-day, small-group retreat with some real writers. My perception of myself and my writing is evolving. I’ve had two encouraging manuscript (meaning, this blog) reviews from actual writers. And kudos for the mag features. Although writing is becoming a bigger part of what comes next for me, writing about writing is not something of general interest – that’s another blog.
So I’m not sure where I am with this other writing or where it fits on the frontage road to zen. I don’t know where it’s going, but I’m following its lead. Who knows. I might arrive somewhere. Born again as me.